I’m a 34 year old single man. I’ve gone on a lot of dates. Some of them have been magical. Some of them tragic. There are times when you both have a great connection, times when you desperately want to have one, and then there are times when you could not hit the eject button fast enough! The following is a list of five ways to ensure that you will not be going out again with someone that you are not that into. However I should warn you that there will be some instances where this advice can backfire and have the complete opposite effect. If that happens you should:
A. Call a doctor.
B. Call a priest.
C. Make sweet love in the back of a taxi on your way to the airport to catch a plane to Las Vegas to get married.
If you are reading this and have been on a date with me and I have said one of the following five things to you, this is not about you. I used it another time on someone else. With you I was just being funny because I had a great time when we went out.
Here, in no particular order is my list of five with their appropriate titles. Use them wisely and you’re welcome.
Glitter- Tell them that one of your favorite guilty pleasure movies is Mariah Carey’s “Glitter”: I did this once. I told the story about how a bunch of friends and I went to see Glitter and got really stoned before we went in to the theater. At one point, one of them literally pissed himself with laughter. I also mentioned that there was a nice Hispanic family sitting behind us just trying to enjoy the movie. All of us were howling with laughter for the entire film which totally shit on the unfortunate family’s movie going experience. Listen, if you use this one you will come off looking like a retard and an asshole, but it works.
The Siffredi Out- Mention your encyclopedic knowledge of the films of Rocco Siffredi: Siffredi is a porn star who has been around for a long time. He is known for his catch phrase “Nasty Nasty”. He’s also a male porn star. What heterosexual man knows the names of male pornstars? So here is how to play it; Mention that you are a big fan of his work. To seal the deal, refer to him as an artist. To be super sleazy, say he is the Picasso of male porn performers. 95% of most women will want to throw their drink in your face. The remaining 5% will probably want you to deposit something else on their face. Unfortunately, “The Siffredi Out” will not work if you are a woman. This will almost definitely have the reverse effect. Sorry ladies. The fellas are pretty fucked up when it comes to their ding-a-ling.
The Doctor of Journalism- Take them on a date and when the drink orders are taken, order three margaritas and four beers…for just you: I got the idea from hearing about a dinner Hunter S. Thompson had with George McGovern, but its a good one so I had to use it. When I did this, the waitress thought I was a lunatic. She asked me if my drink order was for the both of us. I said that they were all for me and the lady could get whatever she likes. The waitress was then concerned that she couldnt legally put that many alcoholic beverages on one table with only two people sitting at it. I then pulled over another table and told her that she could place some there. Out of all the highlights of the bad dates I’ve been on, this was one of my proudest moments. My balls are not usually this big but the woman I went out with on this occasion had the disposition of a caribou. So if you decide to walk down this road, one of two things can happen. Your date will either be disgusted, leave and never speak to you again or join you on your quest to the land of the wasted and you will both get trashed and fuck in the bathroom. Ancient scholars call that a “win win” situation.
The Lawrence Taylor Maneuver- Tell them about the time you were on vacation and had to smoke crack when you ran out of coke: Sometimes, you really need to get out there to get out there, ya know. I’m very open about my drug experiences and the fact that I am a social drug user. There are few things that I have done that I regret or that I am ashamed of, but this was one of them. It only happened once and I knew that it was a really bad idea. The only positive note is that it gave me what I’d like to call the “King of the Outs”, also known as the “Lawrence Taylor Maneuver” or abbreviated as the “L.T.M.” This one is pretty much a guarantee that you will not be getting a call back. In fact, the look of amazement, shock and disgust you will be getting back from whoever you are telling this to is really quite photo worthy.
The Rhythm Section- Tell your date that you have named your testicles Tico Torres and Alec John Such: This will only work if they have a functional knowledge of the history of Bon Jovi. I got the idea when I heard a friend of mine tell his girlfriend that he recently named his penis Antonio Banderas after watching the film, El Mariachi. Classy.
Some additional quickies I have never used but seem hilarious (many thanks to Marlyn Munoz for the assist on some of these) :
You recently got off your psych meds and feel great, you are a big fan of conspiracy theories, keep referencing your upcoming court date and how the judicial system is bullshit, talk about why cold sores are a real pain in the ass, mention that even though you are in your thirties your parents are really cool with you having overnight guests, show hundreds of pictures of your pet(s), etc. I could go on, but I will not. Happy Holidays!