Episode One: KISS Blows!!

This is the first episode of our podcast. Our topic this week is the rock band KISS. One of the most loved and hated bands since the dawn of rock and roll. Our guest this week is our friend Mike. Listen as we discuss their music, fans and even their first movie “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park”, which is a real piece of shit!

Top five reasons why cocaine is the perfect drug for going to a wedding

Ahh. Holy Matrimony. A time of togetherness. The uniting of two souls who happened to find each other, against the odds,  in this crazy world. After a ceremonious union, a reception ensues. Its time to break out the blow!  I have to admit. I am a late bloomer when it comes to cocaine use. I think that is a good thing, because it never got out of control and I only do it occasionally. I’ve seen enough people get totally fucked up on drugs to know there have to be limits. That being said, the best time to do cocaine is at a wedding. Limitless booze, shitty food that you don’t want to eat anyway, single people looking for companionship. What is a better time do powder up? I went to a wedding last year where the line for the bathroom stalls was three times longer than the one for the urinals. True story. There wasn’t a dysentery outbreak either. People were looking to party.  After that, I started thinking about it and I realized that cocaine is the perfect drug to bring to a wedding reception. Here are the reasons why:

1) You can drink forever

One of my favorite things about going to most weddings is the open bar.  If I go to a wedding and there is no open bar, I immediately go into the money filled envelope that I’m giving the bride and groom and remove half of its contents. That being said, one of my least favorite things about an open bar is that you get totally shit hammered by the last hour or two because you are drinking like these are the last drops of alcohol you will ever taste. Everyone has encountered that obnoxious wasted relative at the end of the night who smells like fear, looks like shit and cant pronounce their spouses name.  Cocaine is the solution! You can drink constantly as long as every 30 mins or so you go do a bump. There have been more than one occasion when I have found myself the last man standing and people complimenting me on my ability to keep my shit together. In addition to that, there are often hotel room/bar parties after a wedding. I love wedding after parties, because that’s when shit gets out of control. The bride asks you why the two of you never hooked up, if you did she asks why you didn’t do it more often, someone in the party is always constantly on the phone looking for a hooker and someone is going to throw up on something expensive. Its endless. That’s when cocaine is really useful. You will be the only one who remembers all of the scandalous shit that is about to go down.

2) It makes you a miraculous conversationalist

I’ve always been pretty good at striking up a conversation with strangers when I have to. I hate when people feel uncomfortable socially, so I’ll usually try and break the ice.  With cocaine in your bloodstream, you can pretty much talk about anything. You will find yourself having in depth conversations about the military industrial complex (of which you know nothing) with people who have no idea that you are clueless on the topic and that you are yakked out of your mind. I have had countless conversations about shit I know barely anything about under these circumstances. Some examples: Large mouth bass fishing, Martha Stewart Living, the colonization of South America, the musical “South Pacific”, the 1986 NASA Challenger disaster, the artist formally know as Prince, French Impressionism, etc. When you are all jacked up, you can talk to anyone about anything, or at least you can fake it.

3) The dancing situation

I fucking hate dancing. I like watching attractive ladies do it, but I feel like I dance like a baboon whose legs have been amputated. I’m dead below the knee.  I’m with Louis C.K. on this. Men should sit, sweat, drink and curse at a wedding, not dance. However, I have been sucked in to situations where I am forced to dance. When this happens, cocaine is my saving grace. I automatically go into full Ricky Gervais “Office” dance mode. This will deter any woman who is above the age of 8 and not mentally handicapped from wanting to dance with you. You can also insist, rather loudly, that you ONLY want to dance the “Macarena”. That shit is so dated, once the DJ puts it on, the floor will clear and you can quickly slip into the bathroom for a tune up.

4) You are going to meet some interesting people

Since cocaine makes you so uppity, you will find yourself making rounds around the room like a pinball, chatting up everyone who gives you partial eye contact. If you have a sunny disposition and you are not a creeper, most people will accept your company and respect your boundless energy.  The best is when you share your secret of what has been keeping you up and you make a bathroom buddy. Now this can get out of control, but if you handle yourself well and the person is not an asshole, you could be making a lifelong friend. If the person you share this with is attractive and kind of into you, this might also lead to the worst blowjob you have ever been a part of.

5) The asshole inside of you who loves villains from 80’s movies is gonna feel like a superstar

How many shitty 80’s movies portray the guy all gacked up at the party as some sleazy asshole wearing a popped collar and saying outrageously inappropriate shit to people whilst listening to either Huey Lewis and the News or Bang Tango? Lots. Now is your time to be that guy. There is a whole personality type that is depending on you to play this role correctly. Don’t fuck it up.

Downton Abbey is some strong, seriously fucked up shit!

We as human beings often find ourselves doing things for the wrong reasons. Whether its dating someone you know is bad for you because you don’t want to hurt them, not going to the doctor when you find a lump on your right testicle, staying at a job you hate because of the money, taking a date to see a Good Charlotte concert because you want to get laid. The list is endless. I try fairly hard not to do things like that, however I did have a Good Charlotte experience that I’d rather not discuss.  I have to admit, I am now very guilty of doing something for the wrong reason. About two weeks ago, after hearing all of the hullabaloo surrounding it, I decided to watch the show that has been taking both America and our former oppressors by storm. Downton Abbey.  I often avoid things that everyone on the planet tells me I must see, but I thought this could be fun. The thought was to stream an episode on Netflix, laugh about how ridiculous all of the shows followers are, probably write a shitty blog and get on with my life. That didn’t happen. It got me, and it could get you too if you don’t watch out!!!

The creators of the show have clearly put some psychoactive substance or subliminal addictive brain transference serum into the show somehow. I’ve been trying to figure out how they did it since I noticed that I finished the entire first season in one day. Its got me by the balls.  I find myself thinking about the godforsaken thing at all times of the day.  What the fuck is happening to me! I got home tonight and there was a DVD from Netflix in the mailbox and the rush of joy that came over me knowing what it was is blowing my mind right now.

To be fair, I should say that I have fallen for movies with similar plot lines before. I have a real hard on for “Godsford Park”, but I thought that was maybe because I love Robert Altman movies. I also recall having a soft place in my heart for the Anthony Hopkins period piece “Sense and Sensibility”. What is it with stories about affluent people and their servants and their parallel lives, upstairs vs. downstairs (did anyone catch that?), that gets me every time? I understand that we all have pet peeves, but this is royally fucked.

I could get more descriptive, but I wont. I should mention that as I’m typing this, I have the last episode of season two paused on my computer. The feeling I have right now is frighteningly similar to the feeling you get when you are trying to NOT to have an orgasm in the middle of sex because you want to make the experience last longer. I’ll save you from the thought of that.  In addition, I think that the creators of the show have also figured out a way to get you addicted to it by reading about the show as well,  but remember I’m writing this to help you. READ THE FOLLOWING PASSAGE VERY CAREFULLY. If someone tells you to watch Downton Abbey, don’t! You will never be the same again. If you find yourself with the need to watch a lady of affluence screw her chauffeur, go into a dark room, masturbate with a warm grapefruit, and get on with your life. We need to put a stop to this!

“Les Miserables” was a shitty movie and fuck you too!

Let me start off by saying that I like, might I say love, musicals. I’ve seen many of them in person during my time here on earth and have truly enjoyed all different types of musicals on stage and on screen. Some of them I’ve come to enjoy later in life (Sound of Music, Golden Boy, A Chorus Line) and some of them I truly enjoyed in my more tender years (Anything Goes, Annie, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Hedwig and the angry Inch). I never dislike something purely because its of a certain genre no matter what my friends who really enjoy modern hip hop think. I’ll always give things an honest listen first. With that being said, I think that the latest film version of Les Miserables was a steaming pile of horseshit. And furthermore, the people who have claimed it to be fantastic need to go and fairy fuck themselves.

I went last night with a lady friend to see the film and I should say that I went under protest. I do not like the music in Les Miserables. I never really have. In fact, I think that despite his success with many different musicals, the music of Claude-Michael Schonberg is pretty horrific. Miss Saigon and the Pirate Queen can make tender love to each other and then get hit by a bus for all I care. I will say that I enjoy the original Victor Hugo novel quite a bit. The story is quite good. The music in the musical adaptation of that book is like ear cancer. All that being said, I’d seen basically all of the other movies currently in theaters that I wanted to see, so when asked to go see “The Miserables”, I thought it would at least be marginally entertaining.

I decided if I was going to sacrifice my time and energy in seeing it, I was going to do it proper.  We went out for dinner to a tiny French restaurant called Buvette in the West Village. I ordered a Cassoulet and some Bordeaux to try and keep it real. The food was fantastic. I was almost ready to go. Now prior to leaving my house I had a feeling that my lady friend was going to suggest seeing The Miserables so I came prepared. I still had one marijuana cookie left over from my last batch of baking and I knew that it would be necessary if I had to hear the story of Jean Valjean for three hours in a theater in NYC with a bunch of middle aged jacktards sobbing every time they heard “ I Dreamed a Dream”.  The only time this song had any meaning to me was when it was sung by Susan Boyle for “Britain’s Got Talent”.  That sexy little beast had me tearing up like the rest of the world the first 15 times I watched her performance.

I’m not going to waste your or my time with an actual review of this movie that is barely worth mentioning but I will say this: The ladies in the film were really good. Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried, Helena Bonham Carter, and Samantha Barks all did a really great job. In addition to that, Sacha Baron Cohen was incredible as Thenardier. I didn’t even know that he was in it but every time he was on the screen was like a little ray of sunshine peaking through the clouds of a shit storm. Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman need to not sing…ever. Ok, maybe Jackman was great as Bob Fosse, but this was really not good. He had moments where you almost thought he could pull it off, but overall, t’was a fail. Russell Crowe needs to get a horse and go live in the mountains and stop making movies. I have a hard hatred for that man because I feel like he is his character from L.A. Confidential in real life. I’ve heard too many stories to support that for me to un-think it so you can fuck right off!

In conclusion, I realized that I simply think that there is one good song in Les Miserables, “ I Dreamed a Dream”. The rest of them all sound like they were thrown together because Schonberg and Boublil were under a deadline and hashed out whatever they could. This is a mediocre musical that came along at a time when people were thirsting for something new.  I would rather see a bad musical over a mediocre one. At least if some this is really bad, its probably going to be funny. Does anyone know if they are planning on remaking “Brigadoon”?

I know that for many people this is one of the greatest musicals in history, but those people are wrong. I would rather be gang fucked by the entire cast of “Hello Dolly” than put myself through the torture of seeing this piece of shit ever again. That being said, I’m looking to get a cast together from my directorial debut of “Hello Dolly”. Any takers?